regime change.

baby.

2011-03-28T15:27:00.002-04:00

i need quality time with this little guy, stat.

baby arin and his giant eyes.

cost breakdown of one way tickets from new york to san francisco:

greyhound bus: $215
amtrak train: $310
jetblue plane: $291

(seriously, i can fly cheaper than 2 days on a train. who knew.)

i only searched one way
because i prob wouldn't come back.

some of my best material.

2011-03-28T12:47:00.001-04:00

"as a girl, i'm contractually obligated want snuggling."

"contractually obligated to whom?"

"my ovaries."

one more thing:

2011-03-22T18:15:00.001-04:00

and i'm probably the last person on the planet to figure this out, but...

when you throw old, useless crap out of your freezer that is just taking up space in there, that you are never going to eat, that you don't need, and it makes room for new, fresh, tasty, wonderful things? it's like throwing useless crap that you don't need and making room for new, fresh, tasty and wonderful things IN YOUR SOUL.

#justfyi

but on a lighter note...

2011-03-22T18:11:00.002-04:00

this whole not wanting a boyfriend thing sure brings a lot of cute boys out of the woodwork. which then requires increased resolve when one is enjoying a lenten fast from boyfriend-wanting. so i get to have boys around, but enjoy the holier-than-though feeling of not wanting them.

also, it's way more interesting to talk to people when you aren't constantly worrying about whether or not you think you can tell that they think you're pretty or not.

sweet relief.

punctuation.

2011-03-17T09:39:00.005-04:00

confession: i'm a little bit of a desperate editor when it comes to...most things. which is now embarrassing because there are probably (definitely) always going to be tons of errors in everything i write. but, particularly when i blog (especially long-winded things like that last few posts), i go back and re-read them for days and make little changes. words get re-arranged, commas added and removed, spaces deleted, blah blah blah.

as i've done some leisurely tweaking on the lent posts, i realized, with horror, that something about my blog template (i think that's it?) is mucking with the appearance of my spacing after periods. no matter what i do, it looks as though there is only one space after the periods at the end of a sentence. see that? i swear i put two spaces in! i am a FIRM believer in the two-space-post-period rule. not like that's even something you can choose to believe or not believe in. it's like those brain dead kids i went to elementary school with who thought spelling "a lot" as one word was an option. it's just not. and neither is placing only one space between sentences. that's not how spacing between sentences works (it's ok, only zachie and meganlynn will find that one funny).

oh no.

you guys, i'm not going to delete the last two paragraphs because i'm so ashamed i don't even know what to do and i guess the point of blogging is for your shame to be forever memorialized for the whole wide world to see? forever? i don't know. but this is really horrifying.

i'm wrong.

i was googling to find an article to prove how blissfully right i was but, um, no such article exists because it turns out i am so wrong it hurts. ouch. you guys, my thumb doesn't know how to not hit the space bar twice between sentences but it's just going to have to learn or i'm going have to be filled with existential punctuation angst for the rest of my life because unfortunately i was taught to type on a computer which uses non-monoSPACE fonts (which do not require two spaces post-period for readability) by people who learned to type on typewriters which DO use monoSPACE fonts (and, thereby, require two spaces post-period for readability).

(how's that, ed platz? also, who are you?)

slate magazine explains it all.

i can't talk about this. it's making me hyperventilate.

IM SORRY FOR RUINING PUNCTUATION FOR EVERYONE!

lent part deux.

2011-03-16T12:00:00.002-04:00

(read this first, if you care to.)

i'm trying out this lent business. there are an incalculable number of things for me to give up that would help me be a better person but one has stood out as i've mulled it over in my little brain. so, until easter, i have given up:

wanting a boyfriend.

this includes, but is not limited to, thinking about the boys i wish were my boyfriend, pining after boys who used to be my boyfriend, wondering why boys who kissed me didn't want to be my boyfriend, coveting the boys who are other girls' boyfriends and wishing they were my own boyfriend, imagining what will happen after my boyfriend becomes my more-than-boyfriend, putting off work projects/housecleaning/practicing my music/exercising/cooking/getting out of bed/everything to read blogs/make lists/draw pictures/daydream inside my head about the dress i will wear and the party i will throw when my boyfriend becomes my more-than-boyfriend...etc. it's occurred to me that the energy i spend doing the aforementioned things is essentially wasted. sure, there are things i can do bring myself closer to magical-boyfriend-land, but at some point, it's done. i'm doing them. if i'm practicing regular hygiene, going to church, being nice to people, practicing my 1:1:1 (what? you don't know about that? maybe someday i will tell you), and generally not being an anti-social trollface, my part is taken care of. the rest of that energy can be spent on things like getting myself on broadway, not being so gosh-darn broke all the time, maybe being a little more mentally/physically healthy, loving heavenly father/the rest of humanity more, and figuring out new and exciting ways to punctuate my run-on sentences. ultimately, i have no right to complain about not having the things i want (a job on broadway, a full bank account, health, an active spiritual life) if i have used up all my energy on covetousness and stylemepretty.com.

so. we'll see how it goes. and if you're trying out giving something up, how about you let me know how it goes too? what fun.

(it also means i'll stop posting rude, passive aggressive posts like the one down there, which i am leaving only because it is a really good song by a really good band that you should go download. but seriously? dumb.)

babies.

2011-03-15T20:39:00.004-04:00

as promised.

lily sings.

she also wears wings.

sorry, the rest of these captions will not be in verse.
the baby is sleeeeeeeepy. (also, i dressed him that day. cute.)

his baba dressed him this day.
in the matching skull and crossbones onesies from grandpa.
typical.

lily apparently went to a goat farm?

but don't worry, she cleans up ok, and so does little brother.

little brother is essentially the darlingest.

they both take pushing evan around in the laundry basket
verrrrrrrrry seriously.

can someone please explain to arin that he's not allowed to keep growing?

this pace is totally unacceptable.

lent.

2011-03-15T19:51:00.005-04:00

last night, new roommate and i were having a chat about lent.

lent, as i understand it is(and feel free to correct me here, since i am a mormon and not a member of any christian tradition that practices lent, so i'm pretty much going off crass romantic comedies and and the one gay catholic i went to college with as sources) the 40 day period prior to easter (the day upon which christians celebrate the resurrection of jesus christ). lent is preceded by mardi gras (is that like, an official catholic thing or just an excuse to get drunk?) where one gets all one's sinning out and begun on ash wedensday, when one commits to sacrifice something for the next 40 days. the things folks give up for lent are vast and varied, from cookies to sex to shopping to who-knows-what (again, josh hartnett is pretty much my guru on this issue). normally i haven't given lent much thought at all because, as i mentioned, mormons don't do lent, nor do we do holy week or any of the other things the first few centuries of christianity tacked on to easter because, and this is just me talking, we're pretty convinced that the first (and currently only) resurrection of a deity-come-down-to-earth designed to open the door to the resurrection, perfection, and eventual exaltation of all mankind was like, enough. maundy thursday sort of loses its thrill in the shadow of all that.

nonetheless, last week my dear friend megan (i have two important friends named megan, but they are both megan s.'s and i have yet to figure out how to distinguish them. stay tuned.) gchatted me during work to inquire what i'd be giving up for lent. i hadn't really thought about it. the only thing i'd ever heard of girls my age giving up for lent was food-related and i'm caught up in a bout of food-peace-making, so i leapt to my own defense with a "whyshouldigiveanythingupeverythingidoisfinethankyouverymuch". she lovingly responded that she always picked a little something to work on during lent and found it to be helpful. she was toying with the idea of giving up taxis. that sounded desperately reasonable, so i've been giving it some thought.

then new roommate brought up that all her #blogfriends were going on these big lent-inspired treat fasts and blogging up a storm about it and, again with my food-peace-making, my feathers were ruffled. lent is a christian religious observance, right? which means it's about jesus. and while we as mormons might not do it full out with night-before-binge-drinking and ashes on our foreheads on day 1, we ought to at least keep it in a christ-centered vein, no? but, last time i checked, jesus christ, our lord, savior, older brother and best friend, does not concern himself with how skinny we are. he does not love us more when we can squeeze into 00 jeans; we are not better connected to his spirit when we reach our middle school volleyball weight. being able to resist cupcakes and brownies for 40 days (and furiously typing big red exclamation points every time we "fail") doesn't get us any further along the path of discipleship. and the idea behind making a sacrifice during lent is just that: sacrifice. we sacrifice something we are clinging to as a way to remember all the things christ sacrificed for us. or, in another light, we use this time as an opportunity to offer up to christ those behaviors, patterns, or ways of thinking which separate us from him as we continually strive to be reborn in him.

now, if taking a time-out from less-nutritious food is helpful for you, and having that goal coincide with the lenten period aids your effort, it is not my place to rain on your parade. neither should those for whom food is a real obstacle between themselves and god listen to one darn word i'm saying (actually, no one should, because at this point i'm kiiiiind of rambling). but i know (oh, how painfully i know) how it feels to succumb to the lie (and where do lies come from?) that if i can just fit myself into a certain mold, i will be good enough, strong enough, enough enough for my heavenly father to love me. NEWSFLASH, it is too late: he already does.

now i bet you're wondering what i'm giving up for lent and i will totally tell you after i post some pictures of the babies which is, be honest now, the whole point of this oft-neglected blog.

stay tuned.

they say that men are just liars and thieves, of sorts...

2011-01-20T00:55:00.003-05:00

there's nothing you can do about it. they're just liars and they're just thieves.

-the avett brothers

summer quotation

2010-07-18T13:05:00.001-04:00

because i know it's unreadable up there...

i walk without flinching through the burning cathedral of the summer. my bank of wild grass is majestic and full of music. it is a fire that solitude presses against my lips.
-violette leduc

how i know i am still uniquely myself:

2010-07-18T12:18:00.003-04:00

i head out on a mission to buy a new bookshelf to go in my new (to me) bedroom. something to, you know, hold books and tsotchkes of various kinds. something i could hang a mirror above at eye level, maybe put my jewelry on the top shelf.

what do i come home with?

a cynthia rowley quilt, black curlique framed mirror, corkboard/whiteboard combo with hooks at the bottom that actually belongs on a dorm room door, and...

a gold-toned fake-antique vanity with matching seat.

obvs.

finally.

2010-06-26T01:36:00.004-04:00

after two consecutive all nighters (that's 3 hours sleep in 48, what what?!) and the most furious spreadsheet-ing/binder-ing/line edit-ing/tab-ing/ angryphonecalltodelinquentprinter-ing you've ever seen, at 5am yesterday morning i caught a cab outside my office and headed to laguardia.

the driver had to wake me up when we got there.

but i slept at the gate, slept on the plane, and (bless you, marriot rtp) was allowed to check in to the hotel at 10am, where i turned on a say yes to the dress marathon and slept some more. there were a few interruptions for more angry phone calls (seriously, why do people think they can mess with my annexures?) but mostly just passed-out-ed-ness in the very comfy bed in the very comfy a/c. i awoke at 5:30, called my brother, and informed him that i was hungry and wanted barbecue. lucky for me, i am here:
and barbecue is easy to come by. i had pulled pork and corn pudding and tons of rootbeer and there was even a dixieland band playing! it's like the south knew i was coming and wanted to put a shine on. afterwards we went to target where i bought underwear and bobby pins (and fruit bars, and a slip, and...ok, a lot of things) and to cookout for an oreo mint milkshake. then he brought me back to my hotel where i sat in the hot tub, read marie claire's interview with taylor swift (i want to be her, is that ok?) and was back up in my room shaving my legs when jessica and aja arrived. tomorrow we are planning on waffle house for breakfast and then getting our wedding on with this beautiful girl right here:

(no, not the dress...hers will be wayyy hotter)

i like vaycay.

well, well, well.

2010-06-19T23:14:00.004-04:00

hello there.

for the last three months (ish?) i've been working on probably the most epic, complicated case my firm has ever handled. somehow i ended up being fairly responsible for a lot of things i've never been responsible for in the past, and it has meant long hours, lost weekends, too much indian takeout, and not a few crying jags in the supply closet wondering how i got myself into this mess. it's also helped me accrue bizarre amounts of overtime, connect with some of my favorite coworkers in a new way, and earn something like 30,000 deliverypoints on delivery.com. so, it's not all bad. which is good, because it's not nearly over. tomorrow will be my first day off in 14 days, with an average of 13.5 hours worked per day. awesome.

but i have managed to have some fun in the mix. two weekends ago found me stomping about a field in new jersey while my very most favorite band rocked an impressive set, including several songs i'd never before heard live (like this one). the combination of two of my best friends, a rented hyundai, pit stopping at a craft store (we just used michael's like it's a gas station!), bottomless lemonade in souvenir cups, sneaking to the bro's tourbus to wish bob good luck (thanks for making me do it, jame) and a late night run to target and don pablo's (pueblo's?) made for a most excellent summer kick-off.

i've also spent a day at the beach, taken in a concert at trinity church, entertained miss kate overnight, found an adorable end table on the street, eaten tons of dumplings on two separate occasions, HAD A NEPHEW GET BORN, purchased the cutest wedding-going outfit for my jaunt to north carolina this weekend (get excited, miss!, and started reading the most fabulous book.

so, if you see/hear me getting mopey about how my life is boring and all i do is work, give me a gentle tap on the shoulder and remind me that my life is awesome. because it is.

ps, the baby:

this is the desktop on my work computer.
my coworkers and i tickle his tummy about 8 million times per hour.

and the babies:

in less than two weeks, i will tickle them both in person.
get excited, little ones!

all things work together for good.

2010-05-06T23:26:00.009-04:00

aren't trials just the pits sometimes? they are...sometimes. other times they are terrific because they show me new ways to do and think and help me move forward into becoming who i truly am. my mom often notes that the billowing surge seems to conspire against me on a regular basis and i can't necessarily argue with that. but, i am also a very blessed girl when i bother to look around and notice.

i have a testimony that this is true.

ps, i love you, skmg.

ugh.

2010-04-25T01:30:00.000-04:00

sometimes the middle of the night makes me so sad i can hardly stand it.

warning: politics ahead

2010-04-18T06:41:00.003-04:00

dear middle sista: thanks for the inspiration.

we're taking a small break today from my usual cryptic, self-indulgent musings. i was listening to dan savage on friday and someone called in asking him to please not paint Christians with such a broad brush--he often makes blanket statements about all Christians being bigoted or hypocritical or garden-variety nuts when discussing news stories in which some Christians are behaving in a manner which is bigoted, hypocritical, and garden-variety nuts. this caller felt such intolerance was unfair, particularly because mr. savage is so committed to seeking tolerance for everybody else.

which is, you know, fine.

and dan agreed, saying that he knew there were a lot of Christian people out there who were NOT bigots, who did NOT hate people, who did NOT preach a strictly narrow-minded world view and then go out and pimp their wives on craigslist, or drug and then assault people, or PLAY KEEP-AWAY WITH PEOPLES' CIVIL RIGHTS.

he went on to say, however, that the problem with all of these wingnut Christians going out and doing such wingnutty things was that they were the ones getting all the attention. they are claiming to speak for all Christians everywhere, and they're getting away with it because us non-wingnutty Christians aren't speaking as loud.

and i'm not going to kid myself into thinking this blog reaches that many people or has much impact on anyone anywhere, even the 8 people who do read it. but i feel like i've got to do my part.

i am a Christian. what's more, i am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. yup, a MORMON. what's more, i'm a believer. i'm not mormon because my parents are, or because it's convenient, or because i haven't bothered to see what else is out there. i've essentially been to hell and back and am convicted with my whole heart that the Church is true, that the Book of Mormon is true, that Joseph Smith was a prophet who restored Christ's church on earth and that Thomas S. Monson is a prophet who leads the Church today. i believe in the power of Christ's atonement and the salvation it made possible for the whole world, including me. i might not always wear the reality of my belief where everyone can see it but it is real and it is alive and I HAVE THIS TO SAY:

dear glenn beck, the family research counsel, sarah palin, pat robertson, the christian coalition, fred phelps, focus on the family, et. al (i reserve the right to expand this list),

you do not speak for me.

ok?

love,
rachel

and here's the thing of it:

2010-04-07T23:37:00.000-04:00

i am so tired of all the people i'm supposed to marry going and marrying other people. yes, even you two. i know you might not even be thinking of it yet, but you're going to, and you're going to be disgustingly, blissfully happy. so congratulations. or whatever.

also, tomorrow i have jury duty which means i will blog from the courthouse all the live long day.

overheard through my bedroom window.

2010-04-02T10:40:00.002-04:00

which is finally open, due to the springtime:

(from the woman upstairs, who is a mother of five AND a pentecostal preacher)

"don't let the devil use y'all up in here today!"

it's safe to look.

2010-04-02T02:52:00.002-04:00

not perfect yet, but getting there.

thanks, picnik.com!

UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

2010-03-29T00:01:00.001-04:00

stop looking at my blog while it's ugly. i said stop!! this is like on extreme makeover, where the person is in the midst of their plastic surgery and NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO LOOK AT THEM UNTIL THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

seriously.

go away.

go read the news.

or play scrabble.

or read the scriptures.

or SOMETHING.

it's been nearly a year? unacceptable.

2010-02-28T23:28:00.003-05:00

today, and every day, i am filled with...

"gratitude" by raja ramchandra

for:

empty space
paint samples for only $3.94
indian food
more time to go to the gym
comfy pants
"i hear the bells" by mike doughty
cell phones
my mom
babies
craftacular pursuits, including my new (to me) sewing machine
opportunities to try again
carolina herrera 212
nickel creek radio on pandora.com
things that are both awkward and hilarious
napping
veronica mars, even though its (non)ending may be one of my life's great tragedies
good friends who loan me stuff like that
singin' on broadway
dancin' on tv
remembering funny times
bare minerals (i know...i've become one of those girls)
being better than i am
throwing things away that i don't need anymore
playing songs on repeat
changing my mind
floral pillowcases
formatting
fancyjob
looking out at snowstorms from the 20-stories-high windows at fancyjob
knowing that my fingernails will grow back
belly buttons
tarte cheek stain in "tickled"
how i can't even remember the last time i bought a gossip magazine
owen beach
people getting married
babies (did i already say babies?)
lds.org
choosing to be flaky like a pie crust when i need to be
post-apocalyptic young adult fiction
lists
how many different shades of dark grey there are in the world
spellcheck
how my heart keeps beating

update:

2010-02-28T23:21:00.001-05:00

i went.

it was ok.

to belt or not to belt.

2010-02-24T06:23:00.004-05:00

that is the question.

last week there was an epa (equity principal audition) for this summer's production of hairspray at the pittsburgh civic light opera which i fully planned on attending until my stomach decided to start eating itself and the broadway mom i babysit for didn't come home until 3am the night before. i had previously dubbed it The Last Time I Will Ever Go In For Tracy Turnblad, but ended up sleeping in instead. i justified this by saying that with a rehearsal period of only two weeks, and the same casting directors as the broadway company, they would certainly use someone out of their files who had done the role before.

this morning marks another call for the show, this time at a smaller theater in massachussets. it's got an ok reputation (i think?) and a not-terrible contract minimum, but i decided last night that again, they'd probably use someone who has done the role before. now i've managed to wake up inordinately early and am wondering if i should just go anyway.

pros:
•i'm so out of practice auditioning it's disgusting, i should go at least for the work-out
•auditioning keeps me from feeling like a loser with no ambition
•i'm actually up and available for this call
•i've never been in for this theater before
•i have a cute yellow party dress i could wear

cons:
•i'm so out of practice audition it's disgusting, i shouldn't show my face until i know what i'm doing again
•auditioning often makes me feel like a loser with no talent
•it is raining and i'll have to stand outside the equity building for at least an hour
•i'm kind of sleepy and feel reflux coming on
•i have cute pajamas that i'm already wearing

sometimes i wonder why i keep bothering to pay my equity dues and slog through required calls where no one is really looking anyway. it's exhausting, humiliating, time-consuming, and depressing. i haven't had an equity contract in nearly four years (and seeing that fact in print makes me want to throw up). but then i have moments where i get a glimpse of the life and career that i still believe is coming for me, and i know i have to keep moving and claim it for my own. i still remember sobbing in my dorm room, convinced i would never be able to belt high enough to play tracy turnblad. today, i'm pretty sure i could sing the show in my sleep. the problem is singing well enough in the audition to prove it. the whole process terrifies me and i clam up, get self-conscious, watch myself, judge the sounds i make, and leave the room sorry for wasting everyone's time.

but, i'm pretty sure laying in bed all morning isn't going to improve things much.

excuse me while i curl my hair.

once upon a time...

2010-01-17T22:46:00.003-05:00

i stayed up all night with a bestie helping her make a decision.

"which one do you see yourself marrying?" i asked.

congratulations, beauty.

looks like she chose right.

new year, etc.

2010-01-14T00:48:00.006-05:00

starting in, i think, mid november i began to have some pretty strong premonition sorts of feelings regarding 2010. those of you who know me well are aware that when i have these kinds of strong feelings, whether they are about an individual, a place, a situation, or whether or not two people will get married, i am pretty much always right. and these feelings, though unprompted and without any evidence, were awesome. i've just felt in my gut that this is going to be a really terrific year. 2009 held some significant difficulties from the outset (a wallet and two cell phones lost in january alone? yeah.) and had a tough time redeeming itself. this is not to diminish the incredible gift of fancyjob or any of the other myriad blessings i've received, but i think 2010 is really going to be something special.

rather than listing goals as i've done in past januaries, this year i'm taking a tip from rob brezny, one of my very most favorite hippie alternative weekly newspaper astrologists: "create a title that captures the essence of what you hope to accomplish in 2010, like 'The Year I Figure Out What I Really Want' or 'The Year I Become a Modest Super-Hero.'"

and so, dear readers, it is with modest recognition of its own cliche, but with infinitely more sincerity and hope that i declare 2010

The Year I Become Who I Truly Am

"i really am" by anna knappe
(this is one of the first pictures that comes up when you google image the phrase "who i really am" and i feel strongly prompted to claim it as my 2010 spirit animal, whatever it is.)

what will 2010 be the year of for you?

public service announcement:

2010-01-14T00:37:00.004-05:00

if you ever find yourself just having done something incredibly hard that you have been dreading, something which has already made you both break out in hives and vomit from the stress, do not think that watching this movie will somehow improve the evening.

which is not to say that it wasn't a good documentary; it was. carefully and honestly made, addressing an important contemporary social issue. available on-demand on netflix for your perusal (read about it first, though, so you know what you're getting into). in this instance, however, wedding crashers, nick and norah, she's the man, or even step up 2 the streets would have, in retrospect, been stronger choices. live and learn, i suppose.

on nights like this...

2010-01-10T00:03:00.003-05:00

i wonder if things will ever, ever change.

magnificat:

2009-12-24T23:57:00.002-05:00

raphael's tempi madonna; 1508

my soul doth magnify the Lord, and my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Savior. for He hath regarded the low estate of his handmaiden, for behold from henceforth all generations shall call me blessed. for He that is mighty hath done to me great things, and holy is His name, and His mercy is on them that fear Him from generation to generation. He hath shewed strength with His arm, He hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts. He hath put down the mighty from their seats and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he hath sent empty away. He hath holpen his servant israel in remembrance of His mercy, as He spake to our fathers, to Abraham, and to his seed, forever.

theme song:

2009-12-19T01:09:00.005-05:00

don't worry, kathryn, there aren't any naughty words.

ps, we were there.

i am a good little mormon cookie baker after all!

2009-11-28T00:19:00.002-05:00

after several thwarted attempts over the last few weeks, i began to despair that cute rolled sugar cookies, adorably hand-frosted, were somehow outside my reach. today finally redeemed me in that department:

can you even handle the adorability of this wintry scene?
yeah, didn't think so. the ginger-lady, trees, and snow-folk are ashley's doing.
the stars and candy canes are mine.

after a harrowing thanksgiving for which i am only marginally thankful, i spent black friday in the safety of my bed, wrapped in a comforter watching katt williams comedy specials. only after ashley came home from work did i venture out into the world (ok, the living room) where, after a good talk, we decided what we both needed was a little baked goods in our lives. luckily i had mixed up some cookie dough last weekend which was still chilling in the fridge. we busted out the flour, the rolling pin, and my bucket of 100 cookie cutters and went to work.

man-in-tuxedo was ashley's plan, which i matched with fancy-blonde-bangs lady.
they are falling in love beneath the stars, naturally.

i even asked for some christmas music, which pandora lovingly provided. i feel like listening to yuletide carols about once every 900 years, so lets not plan on that happening again any time soon. but tonight, it just felt right!

enjoying the fruits of our labors.

i guess the old saying is true: when life gives you lemons....bake some cookies or something.

right? right.

sad, but true.

2009-11-09T14:55:00.003-05:00

i came into work today and was getting settled at my desk when the fancy french attorney walked by and stopped, demanding in a shocked voice,

"why do you look so nice today?!"

i replied,

"well, i decided..."

and what i meant to say was, i decided that being a gimp wasn't an excuse to walk around looking like a dead mommy, that i decided other people have to look at me and i might as well give them something nice to look at, and i decided i'd feel better and have more energy and be happier when times were hard if i put on lipstick and as coco chanel says, i don't understand how a woman can leave the house without fixing herself up a little - if only out of politeness. and then, you never know, maybe that's the day she has a date with destiny. and it's best to be as pretty as possible for destiny, blah blah blah.

but she cut me off and said,

"that you want a boyfriend?"

and i said,

"yeah. that's pretty much it."

those french are some perceptive folks, i tell you what.

happy girl.

2009-11-09T10:49:00.004-05:00

no more whiny sad blogging!!

my life is awesome!

here's why!

•i have a bomb-dig job that only involves occasionally making coffee for people who are really nice to me and pay me buttloads.

•my knee is healing, it will make a full recovery, i have insurance to pay for it--and heck, how about the medical knowledge even existing to fix it in the first place? 100 years ago, i could have ended up limping for the rest of my life.

•i have kick-a friends, three of whom are having birthdays this month, and i get to do fun things with them like brunch and movies and parties.

•i'm singing with jonnah on friday (belting my face off=the best medicine)

•my new cute bangs!

•i'm the new ward choir director! (remember when that was my signature look? ghetto librarian/sexy ward choir director? it's making a comeback) we are going to sing the coolest songs for christmas!

•i have lawyers who are dealing with my landlord issues for me (this is where my coffee making skills came in handy--they owed me one).

•miss lily decided to be the cutest ever niece (like she ever wasn't) in the skirt i gave her for her birthday. check it out:

yeah...my life=totally kick-a fairy tale.

probs because i'm so hot, righteous, and hair smart.

death wish.

2009-11-04T18:16:00.002-05:00

every time i get an alumni update e-mail from cap21, i want to throw myself out a window.

student loan payments are obviously not enough of a reminder that i am a failure and will be paying for the privilege of being a failure for the next 15-20 years.

my "day" job (meaning i go there during the "day," not implying i'm doing something performance related at "night") has floor to ceiling windows in its reception area on the 20th floor, overlooking the trinity church graveyard. good thing i sit down the hall.

oh my heartpounding.

2009-11-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

if loving you is a full-time job, i must be working overtime.

dear landlord:

2009-11-02T13:42:00.004-05:00

please, stop suing me for unpaid rent. i've paid my rent and you know it.

i am tired of wasting time, mine and yours, at the housing court building.

love,
rachel

ps. your attorneys are mean.

oh, alright.

2009-10-16T04:08:00.003-04:00

you win this round, anonymous. reveal yourself!

a of all, deepest apologies for leaving the most maudlin post in the world up for over a month. my bad. over it.

on the evening of september 12, i had big plans. i was going to go to the institute dance for like 18.5 minutes, get my dance on to some kelly clarkson, and then go blues dancing where i fully intended to win the solo blues contest and be able to go to blues blaze for free (yes i have (had) started blues dancing and i love it so go youtube it or something and be jealous of how cool i am). unfortunately, fate had other ideas.

i was rocking out to, i believe, "since u been gone," when someone (who shall remain nameless but you know who he is since i can't stop talking about it) came dancing up behind me, doing that "i go this way, you go that way and we look like funny disco dancers" move. i played along for a moment but finally wanted to turn around and see who the heck it was and why this was going on so long. big mistake. as i bent to the side and twisted my torso to look back, my rubber soled chuck taylors stuck to the ground while the rest of me...didn't. pop! went my knee and down i went.

i managed to make a total scene and cry and get eyeliner all over the dancefloor and somehow get home with the sweetness of amber henrie. two days later, again with ms. henrie's aid, i went to the emergency room and was put in a brace and crutches, told nothing was broken, and referred to an orthopedist.

the first ortho i went to was a total d-bag. he tapped the effusion in my knee with no anesthetic and poor sterile technique and generally inspired a complete lack of confidence in his ability to be a) a doctor and b) a person. i called my insurance company (oh, yes, my insurance kicked in three days after the fall, so COBRA covered the ER visit and fancyjob insurance has covered everything else, thankyouheavenlyfather) who authorized a second opinion. i made an appointment at the NYU specialty clinic that just happens to be on the 2nd floor of my office building.

"hi, i'm darren."

these were the words that forever endeared me to newawesomeorthopod dr. darren friedman. he spent a lot of time with me examining the knee and asking lots of questions, gave some advice, and referred me for an mri. he also declined to tap the effusion again so as not to traumatize me. and is totally easy on the eyes. le sigh.

post mri we met to go over things: dislocated patella? check. fragment of femur shaved off by my (apparently) razor sharp kneecap during dislocation? check. majorly stretched medial patellar ligament? just for funsies. we scheduled surgery for the following week, i called mom, mom bought a plane ticket, cue week of furious getting ready activities, including the purchase of an orthopedic foam wedge for elevating the leg from amazon.com (thanks leah and som).

wednesday i started having a few second thoughts about the surgery (scheduled for thursday). i was walking better and better, my pain was less and less, and i wondered if it was really going to be worth all the trouble. that night as i waited for my poor mother to arrive from the airport (who knew the C train stopped running at 10:50pm? not me) the fragment got lodged between my femoral condyle and kneecap and i couldn't bend my knee almost at all. it was a good reminder that the surgery was necessary and helped reassure me. also, sweet tamara's sweet man friend came over and gave me a blessing which was exactly what i needed. who needs a man friend of my own when i can borrow other people's instead? uh, me.

yesterday mom (who finally arrived, thank goodness) and i headed to new york downtown hospital in rush hour subway crowds (nightmare) and got checked in. word to the wise: that place is a dump--if it wasn't going to take over a month to get on the schedule at NYU hospital, i would so not have gone to downtown. but, time was of the essence so i tried to make the best of it. i found the closer i got to the OR the more competent the staff became. after epic waiting in like three separate areas, we finally sat down with dreamy dr. friedman and the anesthesiologist and discussed details. we decided to go with an epidural and sedation rather than general anesthesia, to protect la voce and then got down to business. the best part was while they were prepping me they gave me a small bolus of versed in my IV to calm me down before placing the spinal catheter so i got a few minutes of feeling reaaaaaaalllllyyyyyyy good before i was out like a light. ps, epidurals hurt like crazy, but work incredibly well. i can totally understand why some ladies like them so much.

i woke up as they were finishing putting the dressing on, complete with anti-embollism stocking (i wish i could find a clip of principal figgins' mumbai air commercial). i was wide awake and feeling fine when they took me to recovery, but had to wait there for like two hours while the epidural wore off, which was fine with me because i wasn't puking from general like the poor lady next to me. a physical therapist came and put a brace on, which was nice because my leg was still numb so i didn't feel how much it would eventually HURT to straighten my leg. they took me back to ambulatory recovery, pulled out my IV, mom helped me get dressed, and the security guards downstairs called us a car. we got home, i made it out of the car ok, and hobbled up to my house.

aaron, my home teacher, brought over some dinner and we settled in. the rest of the epidural finally wore off and i was faced with how much this mess actually hurt. dr. friedman ended up removing not one but THREE fragments, one from my femur and two from my kneecap, drilled all the fragment sites, and put stitches in to shorten my stretched ligament. i was expecting to get up from the couch and sleep in my bed tonight, but that was not happening. we tried a couple times, and i even took half of an oxycodone (i'm trying to do this without narcotics as much as possible to avoid ending up on mtv true life) and finally, on the advice of sister dr. leah, i just stayed on the couch. we turned on "it could happen to you" and i eventually fell in and out of sleep until now, when i woke up having to pee, and decided to blog to keep my mind off it since getting up unassisted is not an option and i don't want to wake mom up.

so there, anonymous, more than you ever wanted to know about rachel's extremities. not much of a light summer beach read, but i hope you're happy.

not helpful.

2009-08-30T23:25:00.003-04:00

i wasn't sure if it was possible for me to be any more discouraged about love/marriage/husbands/babies/eternity/etc.

it was.

the takeaway message from today's lesson on marriage seemed to be "if you didn't meet your eternal companion at byu when you were 20, you are shit outta luck."

and even though i know that's not true--i've seen plenty of friends meet and marry perfectly nice people out here in adulthood/the real world--today, it feels true.

also, i'm apparently supposed to stop judging the boys that don't ask me out because:

a) they might have out-of-state girlfriends i don't know about,

b) they might have debilitating chastity issues,

c) they might be gay. oh, sorry, i mean "struggling with same sex attraction."

and for all the boys who i know for a fact do not fall under any of these categories, i am just too grotesquely unattractive to even consider dating. good to know.

as someone who has never, ever, not once gone on a date with a member of the church and hasn't gone on a date AT ALL since her sophomore year of college, i didn't quite receive the reassurance and/or inspiration i was hoping for today.

i like shoes. what?

2009-08-18T00:54:00.004-04:00

since when did being a person who derives pleasure from shopping become some kind of personality indictment? i earn my money, i pay my bills, i save some for a rainy day...so what if i want to spend whats left on lunch-break shoes? i don't rain on your various and sundry boring parades, so please don't set your little rainclouds on mine.

i got them in black, too. deal with it.

dear south street seaport:

2009-08-18T00:27:00.012-04:00

all i wanted was to buy some of my favorite tingly bodywash by c.o. bigelow and contemplate but not buy on-sale victoria's secret yoga pants. why did you have to make me remember so many strange things?

my first visit on the eighth grade class trip i bought bath oil at the body shop (tragic foreshadowing?) and probably ate something. later that night i battled my first of many sobbing bouts of buyers remorse and katie threw up for no reason...

the film set where i spent 10 hours dressed as a very sweaty ballerina and decided i maybe didn't want to make movies after all...

the not-date to see osp at the spiegeltent where we sat in hammocks and you told me the first of a million very real things i'd come to know and love about you. i wore stomping boots and my hair pinned up. you didn't walk me home...

the dorm at water street--remembering to make my ears pop on the elevator up and wandering around looking for snacks, wondering why everything in that neighborhood closed at dusk. extra $20s from the atm and that party on gold street where i finally felt like one of the cool kids...

shopping for a new winter coat at abercrombie and j.crew when it was already cold and the tourists had all gone home. did we stop for a beer someplace? i showed you my sister's wedding dress in the window of ann taylor and relished having you all to myself. i can remember laughing so hard.

i don't even like it down there but i could hardly bear to leave.
only this silly city can make me so maudlin.
xoxo,
rach

oh, the french.

2009-07-24T16:09:00.004-04:00

it was true at suckyjob and it's true here at fancyjob:

any day i get to speak french at work is a good day.

even when it's to apologize to the french attorney for being totally dumb.

still a good day.

before i forget.

2009-07-16T00:39:00.002-04:00

i'm going to write down everything i can think of about today because i want to always remember it because it was a special and fun day.

i woke up.

i went downtown to run a few errands (new swim cap, new top for nalgene) because i wanted to at least try to be a normal person for part of the day. when i got out of the subway i was in the middle of the union square greenmarket so i got a vegan carrot raisin cookie and apple raspberry cider for breakfast and then ran into paragon. after paragon i went to duane reade for eyelash glue and trashy fake nails. i think i maybe saw sam tedaldi there using the atm.

then i talked on the phone while i ate my breakfast in the madison square median. talked to mama and to holly s. who randomly had the day off work and had decided to come to the show. she said after my rendition of proud mary in the beth israel emergency room (you've never heard that story?) she wanted to see another performance. after my chatting i walked down to the threading salon to get my eyebrows done. i thought about going across the street for a quick shoulder massage but decided i didn't need to spend the money, and i needed to get back up to the neighborhood to get ready. i was right.

back on my block i headed straight for las 4 rosas beauty salon. that's where i got my freedom weave two weeks ago (still have to blog about that!) and i now only trust carmen to shape my hair. she tightened the tracks and then did a wash, set, and wrap for an absurdly low price. however, it takes a LONG time to get all that done! after i'd been under the dryer (with about 30 huge purple rollers in my hair) for 15 minutes with the promise of at least 20 more, i called cousin jeff who came over to start his assisting duties. first off, he took a picture of me under the dryer which we hope to extract from his delinquent camera. then he went to wonder fried and got me a slice and a diet pepsi. he told me about his morning chaperoning a field trip to the south street seaport with one of the counselors in our bishopric, and then headed up to my apartment to gather my stuff so it would all be ready when i finished at the salon. after the dryer, which may have literally scarred me by heating the roller clips to a red-hot-poker temp, carmen undid the curlers and then wrapped and pinned each curl back to my head so they would stay tight until the show. then i booked it back up to my house.

jeff was an excellent assistant. i had written him a list of the things i needed and where to find them and he got everything together in a bag and was ready to go when i was. after i found a few last minute things (shiny tights, teasing comb, you know, stuff like that) we hopped in a car and zoomed (literally) up adam clayton powell to the theater.

at the back entrance they let jeff and i in without incident and we headed down to the green room. it was there i discovered that the kid band Boys Night Out would be one of the young stars of tomorrow competing...which was great since they had been in my audition group and i hadn't gotten to hear them. their overbearing parents/managers/exploiters were more entertaining than the poor kids (who were actually pretty good!). they sat behind us while an older man who called himself the professor played little tricks and games with the kids and parents--i was worried he was being obnoxious on purpose, but as the night wore on i could tell he was just an odd old guy with a good heart. a few more people showed up and finally miss kathy and mr. marion, the producers, came to start the day's events.

(miss kathy was also the name of my childhood ballet teacher who wore leopard print unitards with matching wrap skirts and fake hair. i think she might be dead now?)

they told us all how lucky we were to be there and how we were all winners and yadda yadda yadda (this was a theme throughout the whole thing, perhaps because of how many young performers we had on the bill). they covered a bunch of housekeeping/logistical type stuff and then we went up to the theater for the sound check and rehearsal.

each act got up one by one to figure out their sound levels and work with the band. this is when i started getting nervous for real. everyone was actually really good! i kept texting jeff, who was in the back of the theater, to get his opinion on people and we agreed it seemed to be a higher level of talent than what he'd encountered on his turn at amateur night. the rehearsal was enjoyable because all the acts were so entertaining. it got a little tedious, especially when blue magic and another blues group showed up to say hi. i feel bad not knowing whow they are, but i don't, and they got a little long winded. they were very sincere and kind, though, reminding us again what a special experience this was and how we were all so talented and already winners, etc etc. some of the acts (especially boys night out) had a lot of technical things to work out, which got a little tedious.

finally it was my turn to rehearse. the band had the chart my coach had written and seemed to understand it just fine. i got a little intimidated at that point, and in retrospect wish i had taken charge of the rehearsal a bit more--i was hesitant to be clear about where i wanted hits and holds, and how the changes should move, but i did pipe up about a tempo adjustment right away which made a big difference. the chart was quite different from the original in how it ended the song, and it took everyone a little bit to be on the same page about that, but eventually it was all worked out. i wasn't happy about how i sounded at that point, and went back to tell jeff i wasn't so sure i was even going to get to make it to the end of my song. he said i sounded great and was his all around supportive self.

after more waiting, we realized we were not expected to continue to sit through the whole sound check, so jeff and i settled back in downstairs. well, i settled in. jeff went out to feed my face some more. he came back with chicken nuggets and a huge diet coke as i put my face on. around this time, sweet sweet jami arrived as well and i felt secure having my entourage in place.

c.p. lacey, better known as the executioner, approached me while i was putting on my makeup. he is the guy who tap dances booed contestants off the stage and is known for his quick changes and crazy characters. he asked if i had any black makeup he could borrow for his michael jackson impersonation, so i lent him my black lancome eyeshadow, for which he was extremely grateful. i was a little terrified, especially since i worried we'd be meeting again later under less pleasant circumstances, but it was nice to have such a cordial interaction with him first.

jami and jeff kept me entertained with light conversation while i finished up my face (complete with fake lashes and drag queen eye rhinestones) and then jeff left to go get his ticket and find his seat. miss jami was incredible--she gave up seeing any of the show to be down in the greenroom with me. the final part of my look was fake nails french tipped in black, but my nail glue wouldn't open. she went all the way to duane reade to get me more, and then went back a second time to get safety pins to get the new one going. if that's not true friendship, i don't know what is.

just before showtime, miss kathy came back downstairs to give us our order and few last minute instructions. i learned that i would be third to last, right after intermission, which was a relief because i still felt like i had a lot to get ready. before heading upstairs to start the show she had us all make a big circle for a prayer. she said she usually led it but since we were running late, she needed someone else to do it tonight. i volunteered, and said nice (i think) non-denominatonal sort of prayer, thanking heavenly father for the gifts he had given us, and asking that his spirit be there, and that we touch our audience and that any glory we received be given back to him. everybody said "amen" so it must have been alright. the dad/manager of boys night out commented that it seemed like i'd said it all in one breath, which was true--my nerves were really kicking in at this point.

the show opened with boys night out, who played all their own instruments and had a lead singer who also played drums. they covered a ne-yo song with the hook "i'm too fly to be depressed" that generally seemed a little adult for them to be playing, but they sounded great. they ended up winning the stars of tomorrow portion of the contest. i quipped that it was a good thing, or else they all would have gotten beat later which, in retrospect, was really not that funny. again. nerves. the other child stars were julisa (juwanda? jolara?) an 8 year old booty shaker/tumbler who has a promising exotic dance career ahead of her (and has probably attended more than her fair share of cheer camp); jayna, who performed a well-choreographed but lack-luster jazz routine to the song "super girl," and little emily who sang a painfully off-key rendition of "i need you" and really thought she was the bomb at singing. her parents seem to be paying some yes-man of a voice teacher quite a bit of money when they should get her in a childrens choir so she can stop making chin-vibrato and acting like a diva.

in the adult competition, first off was franco, who played guitar and sang an original song. it was kind of an urban jason mraz-ish thing. the band learned his song in the sound check which was very impressive. then a girl sang an erikah badu song--her name was jordan king, but she went by the unfortunate stage name of "scarlett phyre." jeff and i will be cracking jokes about that for the next 18 years. then the professor took the stage, playing harmonica to a karaoke track of some r&b love song i can't remember. he was completely fabulous and the crowd loved him. then a rapper named ( believe) A Hawk, the General. his mouthful of a name was no help when he started spitting--he was the closest to getting booed off of anyone tonight, but still managed to turn the crowd around in the end.

oh, yeah. no one got booed off tonight. poor mr. lacey didn't have much to do.

then a 15 minute intermission during which i got even more panicked. i kept putting makeup on until jami made me stop, and we continued to futz with the fake nail situation. finally i grabbed my american idol practice microphone and stole into a corner with jami to go through my song one last time and get a much needed pep talk. jami must have been taking notes from miss kathy and mr. marion because she told me i was talented just for being there, and to be confident and be myself and have fun no matter what. even recycled, it was still just what i needed to hear.

after intermission, c.p. did his michael jackson number, singing and dancing in an unbelievably convincing costume to "billie jean." it was rad.

then it was my turn.

i walked onstage, rubbed the tree, hit my mark, sang my song.

i think.

it's hard to remember.

i'm pretty sure people liked it ok because they let me finish, and i could see a few people in the front row nodding approvingly (everyone else in the audience was obscured by the bright stage lights). maybe they were clapping for the weave or the norwegian cowboy boots or the shiny tights but it was still totally fun and totally satisfying.

after i finished, there was shawn jaque (pronounced zha-kay) singing a song about jesus that tore the roof of the place. jeff was right, nobody even thinks about booing a song about the lord. closing out the night was priscilla with a rendition of "no more drama" by mary j. blige. i considered her my biggest competition as far as singing. she did all the runs just like mary j. but with her own unique style. she petrified me. she also had a fierce entourage that brought her fried chicken before the show, which they sang about the whole night..."friiiiiiiied chicke and a biscuit on the siiiiiiiiide!!!"

after she finished we all walked out on stage in the order we had performed for the audience approval vote. i could pretty much predict how the places would fall from that first applause showing. it was clear the professor would be the winner (he was) and the other three spots were up for grabs between franco, shawn, and me. shawn took second place, franco took third, and i took fourth. i'll admit it, i was disappointed. each time the host came to me for applause i stepped out and tried my best to be adorable (waving, blowing kisses, making an "i can't hear you" gesture, raising the roof, putting my hands sincerely over my heart, sending special looks up to my cheering section) but it didn't quite work. sadly, the fourth place winner does not advance in the competition, but i did win $25! except that it wont arrive for 4-6 weeks, and they take taxes out. bummer. but still, the experience was priceless and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

after the show was over and i'd thanked the band and crew, jami helped me get my stuff and head up to the street. as we walked down the sidewalk behind the theater, people who had been in the audience stopped to congratulate me and say hello. it was a really fun feeling to know that these people had heard me perform and wanted to be friendly. one (very attractive) young man asked to take a photo with me, which i of course obliged. quel celebrité. i finally reached my cheering section of friends who were all so sweet and complimentary. when i got home tonight i had 13 missed text messages, all from friends wishing me well. some couldn't stay to say hi afterwards, but chatted and took pictures with those who had. sweet emily mitarai had even made "we <3 rachel" and "rachel rocks the apollo" signs. richard brought flowers and everyone was just so dear. after doing my best to thank everyone, me, georgina, peter, seth, and jeff headed back down to the block.

we checked to see if lolitas was open for dessert, but were too late, so i voted we all head to ice cream from wonder fried chicken, a suggestion met with open enthusiasm. i feasted on two scoops of butter pecan and chatted with my mom about the evening. a woman on the sidewalk overheard me telling my friends about which store fronts on the block had recently closed and made a comment about how i seemed to know quite a bit about the workings of the neighborhood. i responded that i'd better know, since i'd lived here three years. seth chimed in about the apollo and she quickly changed her tune to kind smiles and shouts of "go on, girl" as i strutted down the sidewalk.

now i'm home and the lashes and sparkles and boots and shiny tights are all off. it feels good to perform. it feels good to do what i love. it feels better to do it with the support of so many people who love me. and getting to do it on one of the greatest stages in the country and maybe the world? well, that's just the biscuit to my fried chicken.

please don't let this happen to me.

2009-07-13T01:24:00.005-04:00

in case you were wondering, i am in the
"TOTALLY FREAKING OUT" stage of apollo preparation...

celestial marriage.

2009-07-10T01:05:00.003-04:00

i'm not going to talk about the gays in this post. stop looking so shocked.

i support celestial marriage. i am happy for my friends and family who enjoy it as part of their lives. i look forward to it for myself someday, so much so that i spend a good deal of some days searching for sleeved wedding dresses on theknot.com. but you know what? I AM NOT GOING TO BE A "FAN" OF IT ON FACEBOOK, SO SOMEONE GET THAT DAMNED SUGGESTION OUT OF THE UPPER RIGHT HAND CORNER OF MY HOME PAGE BEFORE I HAVE A SIEZURE!!!!!!

oops. too late.

maybe tuesday will be my good news day.

2009-07-07T23:06:00.003-04:00

everything on this list deserves its own post. we'll see if that happens:

{ } cowboy boots are en route from norway. i was feeling like a big shot, navigating (with minimal success) the website of the norwegian postal service. then i found the button (conveniently marked "english") which made things easy to understand but less like an international parcel delivery adventure. i just hope they arrive in time for a trip to the shoemaker and his elves before the big day.

{x} ah yes, the big day. it approacheth.

{ } on july 3rd, to commemorate the discovery of pitcairn island (1767), idaho's statehood (1890), and the spanish legalization of same-sex marriage (2005), i got a weave and spent the day at coney island. miss kate and i ate like demons, swam like mermaids, and played skeeball like the champs we are.

{ } on july 4th, to commemorate some other stuff, i had the best ever day.

{ } the pool has reopened. hopefully, this means my heart will too.

{ } i have a new job that is everything i could have (and have, for awhile) asked for. i feel like i know things and can help and people like me and i get to wear whatever i want. a collection of shoes is building beneath my desk and i know how to make the copy machine do all kinds of zany things. "survival job" doesn't seem like the right word anymore.

in other, less blogable news, the old neurotransmitters don't seem to be firing up to snuff--my heart has the jumpies like i've spent the week on a roller coaster. sleeping it off, while enjoyable, doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

also, why do pretty girls make me so nervous? i might have on princess slippers, but inside i can't help feeling like the awkardest of ugly stepsisters sometimes. a conundrum, for certain.

at least i have my mermaid hair to keep me warm.

how it's really done:

2009-07-06T00:13:00.010-04:00

double plus bonus: my darling downstairs neighbor, nycb romeo of the moment.

and palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss.

2009-07-05T23:32:00.013-04:00

why does so you think you can dance persistently succeed in making me cry like an idiot? as far as ballet goes, this is underwhelming, but i loved it just the same.

beautiful ballerina is a dream i've had to let stay in dreamland, like so many others...but i have faith that in my heaven, i'll dance the way i've always wished i could.

dan savage.

2009-06-06T02:35:00.003-04:00

is it weird that i really like listening to his podcast during my 4:45am commute to work for the opening shift? and really pretty much all the time? i just think his no-nonsense, slightly lispy voice is strangely soothing and he's often saying things that make me laugh inappropriately on an otherwise quiet train.

as i like to picture him, probably encouraging someone to dtmfa

i've been reading his column forevs, since i started reading alternative weekly newspapers, which was probably around age 12. will cannon and anna brones gave me a book of his columns for my 21st birthday (along with annie sprinkle's guide to spectacular sex--i was about to start a yearlong tenure as a sexual health advocate in residence at nyu; they were trying to prepare me with an adequate lending library). he's had several stories on this american life, including a touching one where he talks about explaining to his son why he and his partner want to get married, even though 5 year old d.j. doesn't seem to think it's a good idea. his writing is matter-of-fact, touching, witty, everything i like in an essayist. i'd put him in a top three along with sarah vowell and david sedaris. he's coined such useful terms as GGG, santorum, saddlbacking, and DTMFA and i think he gives sound, sane advice to his weekly podcast callers. he also seems like one of those moderately famous people i could totally see myself being friends with if we ever met through regular life circumstances.

good job being awesome, dan savage.

download his weekly savagelovecast at www.thestranger.com/savage

GWP!!

2009-06-06T02:16:00.003-04:00

this afternoon, while waiting to line up for an event at macy's (more on that later), i decided to take a little stroll around the cosmetics arcade on the first floor and see if there was anything i didn't know i couldn't live without. there totally was:

since i had about an hour to kill, i asked one of the lancome makeup artists to do a face for me and show me some of their new colors for summer. i ended up looking fresh and sunkissed and feeling totally confident and adorable. this was a very effective marketing ploy on their part because it convinced me to purchase the bronzer and lipgloss used by the artist. i ended up the winner in the long run, though, because i got to walk away with a seriously sweet gift-with-purchase. even though the GWP was invented by estée lauder, pretty much every cosmetic company worth their lipliner uses it as a way to introduce customers to new product and lure them into bouts of mindless consuming. i justify my actions by mentioning that i got paid today, it was raining, and i wanted it so stop judging me.

a little insiders tip: keep an eye on www.mygiftwithpurchase.com, wherein a wonderful woman tracks the gifts with purchase being offered instore and online by basically every cosmetics company ever. in the whole world. props to you, gift-with-purchase-blog-lady!

baby=princess.

2009-06-06T01:58:00.003-04:00

once upon a time, a very long time ago, i had a terrible horrible no good very bad job.

yes, even worse than the one i have now.

but something great came out of that time i had to take six qatari children to disneyland, and recently miss lily was finally big enough to show it off!

you can't tell, but the top of the dress says "disney princess" in silver glitter.

i got it for her when she was still teensy tiny, at the disneyland gift shop during a brief and frenzied break from the children. i think that may have also been the day i technically quit, even though it was the last day of the job anyway. oh yes, it was when the five year old spit on me and punched me in the sternum while i was attempting to haul him out of the "soarin'" ride at california adventure for hitting his sister and then having a tantrum. he hit the ground, latched onto a post, and screamed at me in arabic while i tried to pick him up and carry him out. the family's security detail helpfully watched, motionless, and when i asked them for help said, "i don't understand. i don't speak english." when i finally got him outside, the little angel called mom on his cellphone, who proceeded to scream at me for interrupting the movie she was seeing and not letting her kid have fun. yeah, that was worse than making coffee for a living. but i digress.

look! she can even wear high heels! (with a helping hand from grandma smith)

i don't even know how to describe how much i love this little girl, even though i haven't been able to spend much time with her so far. when my mom was here visiting me in february, every night when we would have prayer together she would include how grateful she was for lily and i entirely concur. i hope she'll grow up knowing she has an auntie rachel who loves her very very much. and so you know she's not just a princess:

she can also help wash the car. please note how she is wearing socks with sandals. i will forgive my sister only because they live in the pacific northwest where people do silly things like that, and also waiting for the light to change at empty crosswalks in the rain.

that wasn't really the point. the point was:

2009-05-22T23:11:00.004-04:00

"i can remember crying over you, and i don't mean a couple of tears and i'm blue. i'm talking about collapsing and screaming at the moon, but i'm a better man (woman? lady?) for having gone through it. yes, i'm a better man for having gone through."

kathryn really should have gotten the reference. i left the cd in her car at christmastime and everything. she's just very concerned with my heathenism. which is nice, i suppose.

today i ate indian food until i was sick and didn't leave the house once. also, i ran the air conditioner when i didn't really need to and unsuccessfully tried to kill a cockroach.

why is my life so awesome?

every since i learned how to curse, i've been using those sorry old words.

2009-05-22T02:41:00.002-04:00

when am i going to figure out that i am not nearly as cute or charming as my mom thinks i am?

really, i'm just a tool.

the new york times is never wrong...

2009-05-19T22:39:00.003-04:00

...and i promise to never doubt them again.

today after work (and returning things to duane reade, and drinking so much chocolate milk i nearly peed myself on the train) i tried the bread recipe that made me too nervous on sunday. for the record, it is NOT the no-knead recipe as formerly reported, but an adaptation of the technique described in artisan bread in 5 minutes a day.

it is the most badass bread i've ever tasted.

my sunday bread would be good for sandwiches and such, as it has a soft crust and tender crumb, but this crusty bread is good for pretty much everything else. it's the sort of bread i want to break apart with my hands and smear with raw honey. or bake in small rounds, scoop out the insides for bread pudding, and use as bread bowls for a creamy soup. or eat in bed by myself when i don't know what else to do with my life. or whatever.

here is how to make the magic:

1 1/2 T yeast
1 1/2 T sea salt

mix these together, dry, in a little cup. then sprinkle over

3 C water at 100°

let it sit for a sec to make sure the yeast is live (it will get a tiny bit foamy looking, but not much)

add 6 1/2-ish C flour

i like to mix it all with my hands because it's just fun that way but i'm sure you could use a hand mixer or kitchenaid if you are less hardcore than me. the dough is really sticky and doesn't form into a solid ball. this is ok. don't knead it or anything. just cover it and set it in a place with no drafts and go do something else. i ate a turkey sandwich, watched dr. phil, and then took a four hour nap.

after it's risen for a good long time (up to 5 hours), cut off a piece the size of a grapefruit (or bigger...the loaf wont get a lot bigger than this, so use more if you want a bigger loaf), stretch it into a ball, and let it sit for another 40 min. dust it with flour, slash the top, bake at 450° for 30 min with a pan of water in the bottom of the oven (i added more water halfway through...steam is key for a crunchy crust). i baked it on my silpat, but you can dust a pizza wheel or baking stone or cookie sheet with corn meal instead. the remaining dough can be refrigerated for up to 2 weeks. just add an extra hour to the resting time before you bake.

tomorrow i think i will sprinkle the top with sea salt before baking.

and i'll try to take a picture before i eat the whole darned thing.

baking my broken little heart.

2009-05-17T19:16:00.004-04:00

today is the saddest sunday ever. i won't get into why. if you need to know, you already do.

so after church, and napping, and heartache, i have donned my anthropologie apron and attempted to bake my way out of this funk.

mine is kind of like the one on the right, only cuter.

i interwebbed for like an hour trying to find a good bread recipe to try. my old standby is challah but i do not have enough eggs on hand to make that, and besides, i just did challah for easter and it is time to try something new. i thought about attempting the no-knead recipe that everyone, including the new york times, is raving about but it makes me nervous. they say to put the salt and yeast together right away and that has always been disastrous for me. maybe on a day when i can better handle failure, i'll give it a go.

i was unable to find any recipe suitably inspiring, so instead i made one up. i followed the usual 1-2-3-4* rule, and added some milk and an egg and some oil and used half whole-wheat flour because that's what we had. it is on its first rise at the moment and already looks promising.

i love to have bread rising in my kitchen. it makes me feel like i'm accomplishing something. it reminds me that i have skills. its a little domestic haven that reminds me of one of the reasons i think being a lady is awesome. also, i did the dishes and took out the recycling.

maybe i should get my heart broken more often.

maybe not.

*1 C water/1 T sugar, 2 T yeast, 3 C flour, 4 more C flour

le sigh.

2009-05-17T03:18:00.002-04:00

i am a good person.

i am a talented person.

i'm an attractive person.

grant me grace.

mama.

2009-05-10T22:42:00.002-04:00

thank you for teaching me how to iron
thank you for growing a garden
thank you for knowing what kind of shoes i like
thank you for cooking dinner
thank you for reading to me out loud
thank you for caulking my bathtub
thank you for driving me to school when kids on the bus were mean
thank you for believing in me
thank you for taking me to see 42nd street
thank you for ballet lessons
thank you for sewing so many halloween costumes
thank you for protecting me
thank you for letting me make choices
thank you for teaching me how to swaddle a baby
thank you for brushing my teeth
thank you for proofreading
thank you for not stressing me out
thank you for good advice about boys
thank you for not making me learn to drive
thank you for christmas
thank you for liking the music i like
thank you for taking me to the doctor
thank you for being easy to get along with
thank you for vitamin pills
thank you for costco trips
thank you for birthday cakes
thank you for not getting mad
thank you for everything
thank you for being my mom.

true love.

2009-05-07T01:59:00.003-04:00

did i ever tell you about the time i went to the rockwood to hear michael daves and chris thile play and chris was taking requests for fiddle tunes and nobody knew any to request and that dumb guy was telling him to play frank sinatra and so finally chris was just like, i'm gonna play st. anne's reel, and before he started he joked, "this song was written by that guy who called anne of green gables 'carrots,'" and from the back of the room i sighed, "gilbert blythe," and he looked back at me and said, "right. gilbert blythe," then played the song just for me and after the gig he told me how beautiful and perfect i was and then we made out and later got married and really i've been so sad and loser-y since then to throw people off from how happy i am now being chris thile's wife and being an international bluegrass superstar with him?

we wear our rings on our right hands to trick the bluegrass paparazzi.

no?
oh.

confidential:

2009-05-07T01:30:00.002-04:00

to the stupid moron whose blog i just remembered why i DON'T read anymore (aside from the fact that i don't actually know you and that's why i feel like i can go on the following tirade).

i bet your girlfriend felt super when you posted about breaking up with her and then made every post for the following year and a half (up to and including the present moment) about the new girl you met and married six months later. good job being the kind of guy i spend a great deal of time and energy avoiding.

also, maybe you should spend a little less time posting about how spiritual and enlightened you are and a little more time looking up synonyms for "awesome" because that word loses value exponentially every time you use it.

you're going to get bald and ugly one day and your happy little wife is too. have fun.

note to self: no more blogging when exhausted.

best sunday ever.

2009-05-03T23:59:00.000-04:00

even though the rain soaked through my shoes and ruined my hair, i will always remember may 3, 2009 as a happy, happy, happy day.

and i refuse to let it be marred
by my neighbors and the fact
they just added a TAMBOURINE
to their late-night jam session.
some of us have to get up in 4 hours.
but that's ok. still happy.

as our savior Christ has taught us, we are bold to say...

2009-05-02T01:03:00.002-04:00

"and now behold, i say unto you that the right way is to believe in Christ, and deny him not; and Christ is the Holy One of Israel; wherefore ye must bow down before him, and worship him with all your might, mind, and strength, and your whole soul; and if ye do this ye shall in nowise be cast out." 2 nephi 25:29

i want to squeeze her.

2009-04-27T16:27:00.003-04:00

lily in her easter dress (also known as the dress she wore at 8 months old to auntie leah's wedding. it fits much better now.)

playing with the veil auntie leah did not wear to her wedding. (the one she did wear is, incidentally, hanging on the bulletin board in my bedroom. auntie leah does not care much for wedding veils, it seems.)

helping grandma plant her garden in boots that almost fit.

i miss my little one.

proof the universe is conspiring to shower me with blessings:

2009-04-26T03:51:00.006-04:00

today at work i gave a guy back his wallet he had lost in the store a few days back. he slipped me a $20 to say thank you, and while i couldn't give it back before he peaced out, i did put it in the communal tips rather than keep it for myself.

later, on my way out of work, i withdrew the balance of what i owe in tithing so i can pay it tomorrow. even though it took me down to just about nothing except for the con ed bill being paid on monday and the $100 i need to replace my laptop battery.

at the apple store tonight i made a ziploc of snacks for the genius bar geniuses with some of my take-home pastries from work. i always have a huge haul on weekends. last saturday night when i dropped off the computer, the m&m cookies and apple fritters i left were a huge hit. sean the genius said he was sure he could find the glazed old-fashioneds a good home.

as we prepared to do the battery swap-out (after having the fan replaced), sean the genius ran yet another battery test, even though i assured him it was dead and it was my fault. as usual, a big red CONSUMED showed up as the result. he started hemming and hawing about how the battery wasn't even recognized and oh that's a problem and got out a new battery and stuck it in and tested it again and finally said, "here, just sign this and we're all set." i asked where to go pay. he said i didn't have to. i informed sean the genius that he was an absolute gift to the world. he shook my hand and said, "no problem."

i can't figure out who to thank first: universal karma, heavenly father, or top-pot donuts.

one (of many) reaons NOT to stay up this late:

2009-04-26T03:45:00.004-04:00

hearing wicked little templeton the rat scurry through my walls and possibly infiltrate my kitchen cabinets. we haven't seen evidence of him in months, but knowing he's still around just creeps me out. any advice on non-cruel, yet highly effective, vermin-getting-rid-of?

"i was afraid they would make fun of me because you're not beautiful."

2009-04-15T23:29:00.002-04:00

i've never been happier to feel like such shit.

www.doesthisplaymakemelookfat.com

easter hat.

2009-04-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

ann poulson gave me the idea to make myself a fascinator for easter sunday. a fascinator is like a hat but little, or like a hairclip but big. i went down to 38th st. between 7th and 8th aves (or the trimmings district, as i call it) and and completely went to town. all the stores on that block make me want to do nothing but make pretty sparkly things for ever and ever.

closeup.

i tried it on the night before and asked georgina if it was too dramatic. she looked at me like i was insane and said, "but rachel...it's you."

touché.

some simple math:

2009-03-16T01:35:00.003-04:00

big hair

+

big boobs

+

sassy boots

+

fierce belting

+

the historic apollo theater in it's 75th anniversary year

=

COUNTRY SINGING SUPER DIVA!

july 15, 2009.
mark your calendars.
the whitest girl you know plays the apollo.

speaking of gossip girl...

2009-03-03T00:58:00.003-05:00

"yo, at my school, everybody watch gossip girl. even gangbangers watch gossip girl. some blood be out robbin' somebody and then be like, oh i gotta go upstairs and watch gossip girl."
-alan, my coworker who is currently a senior at south bronx high school

today, and every day, i am filled with:

2009-03-03T00:42:00.003-05:00

(gratitude, artist unkown)

for:

the super soft t-shirt i'm wearing right now
scriptures
somehow managing to put together a new makeup bag without breaking the bank
winter hats
clean drinking water
my new bag
the incredible 10 days i got to spend with my mama, even though there are no pictures to prove it happened
hot pumps
employment
the constant entertainment/fodder for my future book my employment provides
the scriptures
my ward's amazing baptism record so far in 2009
ikea
my qi
my truth
clear skin
netflix
a family that loves me
enough to eat
penguin
the fact that tamara finally met the real penguin
getting my favorite movie on dvd for 20% off
space
rogers and hammerstein
hairspray (the product, and the musical i guess)
a rather attractive fragrance wardrobe
breathing
scarves
pretty things
the sacrament
long (for me) nails
the "mona lisa" font
modern medicine
ancient wisdom
sugar-free vanilla syrup
tomorrow (and how it's always another day)
galoshes
the stockings i bought at that hassidic stocking store this summer that are so awesome
stretchy pants
the way my bum looks in stretchy pants
friends, and talking with them
the song "waiting for my dearie" from brigadoon
my coworker who raps for me at the espresso bar
gossip girl
books
love
you.

MIA

2009-03-03T00:40:00.002-05:00

i guess i'm too busy living to take time to blog.

that's a lie.

but i promise it isn't for good...i've got a few things to sort out in my brain and then i'll be back with a million things to say, i'm sure.

for now, here's a little gem from my old livejournal, circa 2006:

"i will not suppress weeping, i will not outrun joy."

my (old) phone came in the mail today.

2009-01-28T22:31:00.003-05:00

i hereby christen her...

nelly yuki.

1 nephi 14:1

2009-01-26T00:17:00.002-05:00

and it shall come to pass, that if the Gentiles shall hearken unto the Lamb of God in that day that he shall manifest himself unto them in word, and also in power, in very deed, unto the taking away of their stumbling blocks—

(you'd think that's good enough but then you realize the sentence isn't even over...that was just the preposition!)

and harden not their hearts against the Lamb of God, they shall be numbered among the seed of thy father; yea, they shall be numbered among the house of Israel; and they shall be a blessed people upon the promised land forever; they shall be no more brought down into captivity; and the house of Israel shall no more be confounded.

this whole reading the book of mormon thing is really working out for me.

postsecret/postsecrét

2009-01-26T00:13:00.002-05:00

it's been awhile...

in english

(this one scared me so much)

en français

dark days.

2009-01-25T23:48:00.004-05:00

january has been a little rough thus far.

on the very first day of the year, after leaping into my future via the 1 degree weather on coney island, i lost my wallet. it contained my last form of photo identification, my passport. my other id was lost when my wallet was stolen by the mcdonald's con artists and their baby back in august. so i needed to get my birth certificate in order to prove my identity and get a new state id. when my mom went to get a copy from the washington state health department, they found that during the conversion to digital records 10 years ago, my birthdate was entered incorrectly, so a change had to be requested and performed. i finally got the new copy (which looks weirdly fake, by the way) in the mail yesterday.

speaking of yesterday. some of you might be aware that i lost my phone three weeks ago. i was in the lobby of an office building in midtown and when i got up to leave, my phone fell out of my pocket. i realized this 10 minutes later, ran back to the building, and asked around at the security desk and in the sitting area i'd last had the phone. a woman said to me, "oh, yeah, i saw a phone...i picked it up and some guy said it belonged to his friend, so i gave it to him and he left." i asked her what the phone had looked like. she said, "it was little. and red."

just like my beloved gossip girl phone.

so i'd resigned myself to the fact it was gone, filed a police report and an insurance claim, bit the bullet and paid the deductible, and in 48 hours had a NEW gossip girl phone, gossip girl phone season 2, securely in my possession. everything seemed to be looking up. until last night.

jami and i were on our way to china town for a new years dinner and it was so cold we decided to split a cab to the 6 train. we hopped in and out, got on the subway, made it down to elizabeth st. and prepared ourselves for a nice evening...neither of us were that stoked to go, but we were glad to be out and be together. as we gathered around a table in the absurdly large jing fong chinese restaurant, i fished in my purse for my phone, and it wasn't there. i panicked. jami called it and i waited for the tell tale foux-de-fa-fa-esque ringtone to sound. it didn't. a man picked up on the other end, saying the phone had been left in his cab. she handed the phone to me and i pleaded with him, "please, just start your meter wherever you are and come to elizabeth and canal, and i'll pay whatever the fare is."

"it's gonna be at least $20."

"oh, really? where are you now?"

"lady, that don't matter. it's gonna cost you at least $20."

i don't deal very well with extortion.

"sir, do you understand that's illegal? you can't demand money from me! how dare you!"

"look, i don't give a shit." *click*

he hung up and wouldn't answer the phone again. jami tried calling and texting, richard tried calling from his phone, all to no avail. i realize now that if i'd just agreed with whatever he said and dealt with him face to face, i'd probably be blogging about something awesome right now. but i didn't, so...

it's amazing how sad the whole thing has made me. i don't have a lot of very nice stuff in my life. i mean, i do fine, i have clothes and shoes and furniture and enough to eat and a warm house and a job, but most of what i have is fake. or i got it on sale. or it's a handmedown. or i found it on the street. or it's broken and i use it anyway. i worked and saved and waited to get this phone. i loved having it. it's the same phone blair waldorf has on gossip girl. it made me feel special and fun and like i really had something nice that was mine.

so, add that to having my metrocard stolen out of my coat pocket at church, being sick with the upper respiratory infection/viral pharyngitis/pink eye/plague, and leaving my new wallet on the shuttle bus today (a nice man ran after me and gave it back) and you can see why 2009 isn't going my way just yet.

bummer.

just so you know...

2009-01-17T04:22:00.002-05:00

I'M STILL THE M@($&%F*@$&#% GAZELLE, BEOTCH!!!!!

it's only fitting that my 200th post be so negative.

2009-01-17T04:16:00.002-05:00

gentle readers, i give you a list of things that are making me want to be violent right now:

my neighbors and their penchant for playing loud, obscene rap music at an unconstitutionally high volume every friday night, and the officers of the 28th precinct for being so busy fighting actual crime that they can't come and make it stop. ok, they came once tonight. and my neighbor is all, "what do you mean? it's friday night!" that is a lame-o excuse, lady. this is literally a way they torture prisoners at guantanamo. in the last 20 minutes it has lessened so that the bass isn't quite shaking the pictures off the wall, but i'll still have to wear earplugs to sleep.
the cold i currently have and the dry nose, achy body, and giant random growth on my lip it has caused. i don't know whose puppy i killed in a previous life to deserve how much i get sick. it's ridiculous. i told my mom i had another cold and she said, "oh, really? it's been a whole three weeks since the last time you were sick!" i wish she were kidding. in fact, i don't even think it's been that long.
washington mutual/chase bank for conveniently misplacing nearly $2000 of mine.

i guess the fact that i can only think of three things should make me feel better, but it doesn't. i'm still having major urges to maim and kill.

this blog is getting so boring.

2009-01-15T01:54:00.003-05:00

i'm spending all my time on the other one. oh, and on living and stuff. which is probably a good thing.

the baby, in her fancy princess christmas dress.

there. now do you forgive me?

who's in charge?

2009-01-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

1 nephi 9:6

mothering.

2009-01-07T23:52:00.003-05:00

the family that lives above me has a new baby--their fifth little girl. as i got ready for bed tonight i could hear her fussing and getting upset. now, sitting in bed tying up loose ends i could hear her mama soothing her, shushing and speaking softly. "it's ok...i know baby...i know...it's almost done...you're ok...you're ok, baby..." who knows what the trouble was, maybe a painful diaper change or a bout of colic. whatever was making baby so uncomfortable, it wasn't long before she was lulled into silence by her mother's loving words.

my mama, soothing lily in her first few minutes of life.

sometimes i wish my mom could come and just hold me and rock me and tell me everything was going to be alright. that all the hard things would be over soon and that i'm ok. i'm sure my sisters would jump all over this, about how i love to be babied and refuse to grow up, and maybe part of that's a little bit true. but i think we'd all be better off if we got mothered a bit more, even as grown-ups. i guess we just have to mother each other.

what He says unto one, He says unto all:

2009-01-04T23:32:00.002-05:00

"blessed art thou, rachel, because of thy faith, for thou has sought me diligently, with lowliness of heart. and inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments, ye shall prosper."

paraphrased from 1 nephi 2:19-20

addendum.

2009-01-04T02:20:00.002-05:00

i have some additions to my list of new years goals:

floss.
figure out how to keep from losing my hair like my mom.
read the book of mormon all the way through and, you know, pray about it and stuff. how have i never gotten around to that? i feel like i have a testimony of it's truthfulness, but i think i'd better make it official in 2009.

behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.
1 nephi 1:20

omg.

2009-01-04T02:16:00.003-05:00

how did i not know about this? apparently the church came out with a new youth-oriented musical extravaganza to try to convince mormon teens to be a little less heathenish in 2009.

you can go to the website to listen to music, read stories, watch videos, and DOWNLOAD THE SHEET MUSIC (!!!!). everyone who thinks i3 should do their own production, raise your hand.

i just made one of the songs my ringtone.
don't be jealous.

guessing game.

2009-01-01T23:02:00.000-05:00

i did something very special today to ring in the new year. here's a hint:

can you guess?!?!

happy new year!

2009-01-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

o hai, 2009.

let's take a moment, shall we, to reflect back on the year. i set some goals at the beginning of 2008. you can find them here.

give up celebrity gossip: check! i don't buy any of those dumb magazines anymore and i don't watch the E channel.
improve oral hygiene: check! read about it here.
put my finances in a death grip of control: not so much. maybe this year?
do laundry before i run out of underwear: this may be a lifelong struggle.
moisturize: check! thank you kate somerville night cream!
stretch (deryk the massage therapist said have to or else): redoubling my efforts on this one.
work enough to have health insurance in 2009: for sure...just not quite how i intended.
leave the country for no less than 10 days: yeah...keep dreaming.
kiss more: oh yes...but again, not at all how i intended.
quit for good: perhaps my greatest achievement of 2008.

this year, i'm continuing on some of the above goals and striving for some new ones. i once again purpose to do laundry regularly, achieve financial stability (just stable...doesn't have to be much but i'd love to not be in the constant scramble), and find a moment for international travel. additionally, i purpose to book a minimum of 2 equity contracts this year. finally, i have set quite a large (pun entirely intended) goal that will be the cornerstone of my personal journey this year. it's so big, it gets its own blog. read up on it here.

what are your goals for this beautiful year?

UPDATE:

2008-12-08T10:39:00.003-05:00

i found them.

and all i had to do was remove every sweater and top from my closet into a giant pile on the floor, only to find them on the other side of the room in one of my many "organizational piles", inside a green reusable shopping bag, along with my pink matte jersey knit skirt that i didn't even know was missing. who knew?

unfortch, i didn't feel cute or marriageable at church anyway. boo.

the most annoying thing ever:

2008-12-06T23:56:00.003-05:00

my two most favorite clothing items are currently missing.

grey v-neck sweater

black patent leather pumps.

how the h am i supposed to look adorable at church tomorrow? grrrrrrrrrrr.

the worst part is i know they are both somewhere in my bedroom. unfortunately, my bedroom is so small and so full of stuff ('specially clothes and shoes) that finding a particular item is near impossible. i am fasting for more closet space.

staying in the boat, elder holland-style.

2008-11-30T23:19:00.005-05:00

elder jeffrey r. holland, quorum of the twelve apostles, church of jesus christ of latter day saints.

last week our stake had the privilege of having our own form of rockin' church, hearing elder holland speak at the hammerstein ballroom. we don't have any buildings in manhattan large enough to house the entire stake and they wanted everyone to have the opportunity to hear him in person. this was especially funny because the last time i was at the hammerstein ballroom was seeing the scissor sisters in october of 2006...a slightly different experience, to say the least. i was incredibly blessed to be in the audience--elder holland spoke with so much fervor and frankness, bringing a much needed spirit to the saints here (especially me).

it never ceases to amaze me the way heavenly father knows me so well that he can send messengers to tell me exactly what i need to hear in exactly the way i need to hear it. it doesn't happen often and never when there is any other way for me to "get it," but he is acutely aware of my trials and struggles and will make sure he gets my attention one way or another. at my first general conference since coming back to the church, a general authority spoke my name aloud, saying, "and god remembered rachel." i needed so badly at that time to know that my heavenly father knew me personally and was watching over me and pleased with the new choices i was making. after that, how could i not know? elder holland's words had similar effect:

"stay in the boat."

"When harder times come, stay with Him. There may be temptation to say, 'Well, I guess God doesn't care about me.' But when the winds and waves are unexpected and fierce, stay in the boat. This is no time for you to try your own little doggy paddle." (i stole this one from laura, it made more sense than what i had written down)

he quoted dickens and then said, "it is always the best of times and the worst of times but this is the church of happy endings."

"When troubles come... I want you to remember that the gospel of Jesus Christ is the most secure thing throughout time and eternity."

he quoted 2 kings 6, "fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them," and said, "from the nursery to the temple we have sentinels leading us the way...we are all sentinels for each other. we have angels on our right and on our left...there are horses and angels and chariots of fire running to be with you at this very hour."

"the miracle of the church is YOU."

and my personal favorite,

"i promise you, we are ok."

i have been filled with a lot of doubt and fear these past few months. issues at the forefront of our national consciousness have weighed upon me and kept me up at night. i've discussed some of them here in the bloggernacle and most of you know about my struggles. i still don't have any answers, not even one. i have ideas and i have hunches and i have a lot of hopes but no concrete answers. i'm sometimes so envious of those around me who seem so solidly convinced of things, one way or the other. i watch both sides with so much pain and sadness. i see good friends protest outside my holy temple and wish i could tell them what sacred ground they are walking on. i hear patently untrue things said by members of my church and wish i could show them the pain of decades of injustice and hate. i wish i could negotiate my faith and my conscience. for now, i'll be honest: i can't. but of one thing i am entirely sure.

i am staying in this boat.

the rolls, in all their glory:

2008-11-30T23:15:00.001-05:00

i am going to make the best wife EVER someday.

dear health insurance: please come quickly.

2008-11-30T23:11:00.002-05:00

this time it's the stomach flu. i seriously don't know anyone who gets sick as much as i do. what is this nonsense? hopefully i'll still be getting insurance in january, although i was looking at my paystub on friday and couldn't figure out how many hours i worked in the quarter, since it appears the new quarter has already started. i'm worried it wasn't enough and now i might have to wait until march. so frustrating. at least i'm blessed with good friends (shoutout to cousin jeff, and mike!) who brought me sprite and pudding and medicine and blessings and helped me through the worst of it. now i have to decide if it's a good idea to go to work tomorrow. i think i'll probs feel well enough to, but if it's the virus i think it was, the almighty interweb says it isn't safe for me to prepare food for others for two more days. we'll see. mama needs to make that cash, after all...

the baby gets her own post.

2008-11-27T22:41:00.003-05:00

the baby was a bear for halloween!
(well...not really. mommy doesn't believe in dressing up children who are unable to choose a costume for themselves, but luckily aunt amy rectified that situation. she didn't end up wearing it on the actual day, but auntie rachel threatened mommy if she didn't give up a picture to compete with the cuteness of auntie rachel's friends' nieces and nephews on their blogs. auntie rachel won.)

the baby likes to get pushed around the house on an upturned nursing stool. it is like a little boat! daddy is pushing the baby in the boat and grover is along for the ride. grandma says that for now this is the baby's very most favorite thing to do.

the baby has some sort of wheeled vehicle!! and a smile that makes auntie rachel feel like she just might die if she doesn't get home for christmas stat to shower the baby with kisses and snuggles and prezzies galore.

today, and every day, but especially on this day devoted to giving thanks, i am filled with:

2008-11-27T22:06:00.003-05:00

goddess of gratitude, darcy simonsen

for:

the incredibly comfy bed i am currently lying in and get to lie in every night, especially tonight when the sheets are freshly washed and the mattress turned.
having a fun and adorable houseguest for the holiday.
boycut underwear with amusing sayings on the booty courtesy of american eagle.
great magazines like this one, which help me avoid dreadful ones like this.
technology, as usual.
the gospel, as even more usual.
having just finished the most awful young adult book series in history and loving every disgustingly brain-cell melting moment of it.
having a job.
having a job that provides me with an endless supply of free cookies.
being the proud owner of a brand new gossip girl phone.
getting the brand new gossip girl phone for free by being a finagling genius.
socks.
the high capacity front loading washing machines at the laundromat.
the amazing pie i baked us for breakfast this morning:

baking the same dinner rolls as last year and having them turn out even better.
being so domestic it hurts.
gazing at dream real estate on sotheby's.
working hard for what i want.
remembering my worth.
exciting opportunities.
the prospect of a whole weekend with nothing to do but be a badass.
healthy reminders.
limits.
#84 today.
x-tine.
being added to someone's address book.
wikipedia.
wide open spaces (of both the dixie chick and non-dixie chick variety).
getting to play the big sister for awhile.
questions and my opportunity to live them.
the masseuse at pinky's nail salon on 80th and broadway.
www.youconvertit.com
1.1.1 and how it turns out it actually works!
dress code violations and knowing for myself what constitutes "khaki."
page 417.
enchantment under the leaves.
new possibilities.
letting go.
laughinglaughinglaughinglaughinglaughing.
walks around the meer.
how harlem used to be spelled haarlem.
my proximity to health insurance that will cover acupuncture.
people who love me.
people who let me love them back.

just so we're clear:

2008-11-04T11:43:00.002-05:00

Hugh B. Brown of the First Presidency said in October 1963 General Conference, “We believe that all men are the children of the same God, and that it is a moral evil for any person or group of persons to deny any human being the right to gainful employment, to full educational opportunity, and to every privilege of citizenship….We call upon all men, everywhere, both within and outside the Church, to commit themselves to the establishment of full civil equality for all of God’s children.” (emphasis added)

“With all their inspiration and greatness, prophets are yet mortal men with imperfections common to mankind in general. They have their opinions and prejudices and are left to work out their own problems without inspiration in many instances.” - Bruce R. McConkie (emphasis added)

and most importantly:

“When churches or church leaders choose to enter the public sector to engage in debate on a matter of public policy, they should be admitted to the debate and they should expect to participate in it on the same basis as all other participants. In other words, if churches or church leaders choose to oppose or favor a particular piece of legislation, their opinions should be received on the same basis as the opinions offered by other knowledgeable organizations or persons, and they should be considered on their merits. By the same token, churches and church leaders should expect the same broad latitude of discussion of their views that conventionally applies to everyone else’s participation in public policy debates. A church can claim access to higher authority on moral questions, but its opinions on the application of those moral questions to specific legislation will inevitably be challenged by and measured against secular-based legislative or political judgments.” Dallin H. Oaks, “Religious Values and Public Policy,” Ensign, Oct 1992, 60 (emphasis added)

quotations courtesy of mormonsformarriage.org

the heights...i'm in them.

2008-11-02T21:59:00.004-05:00

not really, i live in harlem. but lin-manuel miranda, composer of in the heights, grew up in inwood so who's counting.

a few weeks ago my cousin lindsay came to town with 8 friends for a girl's weekend in the city. they saw a bunch of shows, rode the red bus everywhere, and ate a lot of pizza. i had the pleasure of meeting up with them on a friday (it was friday, right?) night with my friend laura to do the lottery for in the heights. this is funny because i never see shows, ever, but had actually seen this one already. so instead of seeing something new, i obviously opt to see it for a second time, because making sense is something i'm really into right now. anyways, there were 11 of us total and we never dreamed we'd all win the ticket lottery (26 dollars for front row seats) but figured we might as well try...they'd come all the way from california so i had to at least try to convince them to see the best show on broadway, according to the tony's and me. i don't know how it happened and you prob wont believe it when i tell you, but we managed to win enough tickets for every single one of us to sit in the front row and enjoy the show. well, we won 10...the 11th ticket was provided for us by a very nice australian dancer named !!edward!! and i will let miss laura describe that encounter herself.

the show was a delight and i did what i always do at shows: mouth all the words along with the actors until they're probably talking in the wings about that crazy girl in the front row who wont shut up. i honestly try not to but it happens every time. it warms my heart to see a show make it on broadway that's written by someone in love with his craft who has actually managed to write an original story, original music, have it set with innovative choreography, cast talented actors (none of whom have appeared in any recent reality tv competitions) and actually earn both money and acclaim for their efforts. good job.

postsecret/postsecrét

2008-11-02T21:55:00.002-05:00

in english

en français

my friends are the serious shiz.

2008-10-16T01:53:00.003-04:00

(dirty words are afoot...beware)

seriously, randy? i'm inappropriately obsessed with you.

what happened?

2008-10-14T00:10:00.003-04:00

warning: it's late and i'm feeling maudlin and this post will be awkwardly reminiscent of every livejournal entry ever posted from 2002-2006. sorry.

so i'm doing this gig next weekend with a bunch of people i went to school with and i'm really excited about it. we're singing bruce springsteen and it's to benefit obama and i haven't sung in like 87 years and it's just a really great opportunity. it's also making me think way too much. i sort of feel like i conned my way into it in the first place--like i'm trying to edge my way in through some accidentally unlocked side door and then oops! i'll be on stage and at that point there wont be anything anyone can do about it and no one will notice anyway. it feels like nearly every party i went to in college. like i'd somehow managed to sneak in somewhere i didn't actually belong and if i just stayed quiet enough no one would notice and kick me out. and slowly i learned to assimilate into that atmosphere (with the help of a lot of liquor and a few short skirts). there were maybe 12 minutes there where i felt like i really knew those people and belonged with them and was good enough to keep their company. a lot has changed since then, on my part anyway, and i wonder if i can still blend in. i wonder if i'll show up and everyone will just be tolerating me until i go away. it's like everyone's been out getting rich and famous while i'm stuck home downloading law and order: svu and waiting for my life to happen. i wonder if they'll be able to smell it on me like sour milk, my own failure. i wonder if this will be my chance to prove i belong with them after all. i wonder if i want to in the first place.

yeah...it's time to go to sleep.

my arm is numb.

2008-10-11T13:00:00.002-04:00

so when i'm on register all day, especially if i'm on the register at the end of the bar, i shoot my hand up into the air saying, "i can help you down here!" about 150 times per shift. add that to the awkward sweeping tasks wherein i lose feeling in my right ring finger and you've got some serious potential nerve damage going on. hello workers comp!

it's a pretty good job until the paycheck comes and you realize how little you made for how hard you worked.

not to mention the serious moral dilemma of working for a company responsible for so much waste, so much negative globalization, us-dominated international homogenization and the demise of the locally owned third space.

at least i get a lot of free cookies.

fascinating.

2008-10-11T12:40:00.003-04:00

new thing i love: people interpreting dirty rap songs in asl on youtube. send the kids into the other room for a sec and enjoy!

superman by eminem

gold digger by kanye west

break ya neck by busta rhymes

ridiculous.

new obsession:

2008-09-28T21:50:00.003-04:00

ORAL HYGIENE!!!!!

this is an embarrassing admission but i'm going to make it: i am really bad at remembering to brush my teeth. i'm guessing all my acquaintances are just too polite to mention it but i'm sure i routinely have breath that can peel paint, and a smile that's awfully yellow, even for an ex-smoker like me. add to that my penchant for major depressive episodes in which activities of daily living like teeth-brushing become near impossible (along with showering, face washing, and exiting my bedroom for days at a time...) and you've got a serious dental situation on your hands! i was talking with my mom about it this week and after some pondering she suggested a solution:
seriously guys, this toothbrush is changing my life two minutes at a time. it is the second rated toothbrush by consumer reports (right after a $150 model that they state is only slightly better), only costs $23.99 at cvs, has a two minute timer to tell you when you've brushed enough, high quality brush heads, and the ability to make your mouth feel like it was just blessed by a band of minty-fresh angel babies. i cannot tell you what a joy it is to brush my teeth now! sometimes i brush my teeth more than twice a day just because it's so fun! the sonic vibrations are like a mini-massage and the difference in my teeth is noticeable after just a few days! i am completely sold and you should be too.

i'm like 87 years late with this one...

2008-09-28T21:45:00.002-04:00

but i heart this video. for serious.

and look at these cute high school boys recreating it for a talent show!

adorbz.

judging a book by its cover or, racial profiling or, why i'm a part of the problem and not the solution.

2008-09-28T21:27:00.003-04:00

on thursday i was taking a walk around the east side, rocking out to some tunes and enjoying the cool fall weather when i saw something that made me look twice. an older gentleman was pushing a double stroller with two twin babies inside. the man was latino, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and worn sneakers. he looked like a handyman or building super. the children were white with fair hair, about 18 months old. it was raining but the rain cover was tucked under the stroller instead of covering up the kids. the scene made me immediately uncomfortable. it's not unusual, especially in affluent neighborhoods like this one, to see babies being tended to by people who are obviously not their parents. however, these people are (in my experience) always women, and know enough (or fear their employers enough) to protect their charges from inclement weather. i decided it couldn't hurt to follow the man and stroller, just to see what was up. after a couple blocks he pushed the babies into a post office. i followed behind, still feeling unsure and uncomfortable about what i was witnessing. the man stood in the foyer of the post office for a few minutes, looking around and shuffling papers and things from his pockets. i decided to approach him, first waving and smiling at the babies. they looked at me with blank faces. i turned to the man and said, "they're very cute." he smiled back at me.
"are they yours?" i questioned.
"yes, yes," he replied in broken english, "babies...twins."
"no, are you their father?"
"oh, no, no...they are...my friend..."
he continued to look around and then pushed them into the main post office area. i didn't feel any more comfortable with the situation after speaking with him and made the decision to call 911. i told the dispatcher what i'd seen and where i was and she said she'd be sending officers over immediately. i stayed in the foyer until they arrived, telling them what i'd seen and that i didn't feel comfortable with it. "i'm a nanny," i explained, "and it just doesn't look right to me." the female officer smiled and said they would see what was up. i watched for a few more moments to make sure they found the right person and spoke to him. after that, i left. i was afraid he would know i was the one that called and didn't want to get any more in the middle of things. i felt (and still feel) like a coward for doing so, but it was the decision i made at the time.

i can't stop thinking about it.

i recently heard a story on this american life by author richard price. he recounts being in a police car at night on the lower east side and watching the officers stop a black man on a bicycle because there is a white child riding on the handlebars. after separating the man and child,\ and interrogating them both, it is clear that the man is the child's mother's boyfriend and that he is simply picking the kid up from a playdate. the young boy cries saying, "are you going to arrest him?! you're always stopping him just because he's black and i'm white!" mr. price tells the story as an illustration of the racial profiling that is rampant among law enforcement, and the populace in general.

i have always prided myself on being a racially sensitive and forward-thinking person. i would never imagine judging a person or situation based on the race of those involved. but i did. would i have called the police if i saw a white man pushing a stroller full of latino babies? would i have even looked twice?

i don't know.

and it's haunting me.

bona fide hustler, makin' my name.

2008-09-28T20:49:00.004-04:00

things i'm not interested in finding on my floor:

dime bag.

filled with:

heroin.

i'd noticed it in the hallway for a couple of days, figuring it was just a piece of tape or lint or something. it wasn't. i'm guessing it came in on somebody's shoe (at least i hope so). maybe i'm naive, but i'm fairly certain neither of my sweet mormie roommates are closet junkies. stranger things have happened though, i suppose. i dropped it down the trash chute and thanked my lucky stars i don't have a kitten or puppy (or baby, for that matter!) who could have found the thing. keep an eye on your floors, peeps!